Sunday, March 16, 2014
Trigger Warning- depression and ptsd
So, I don't know that anyone really reads this, but that's probably good in this case. I've been trying to write in my journal more, but it's not working. I thought I'd try here. I lost my mom about 3 months ago. Since then, I've had back surgery, been put in charge of my dad's finances, still have to go through probate court (which costs $360 dollars just to file), been told that our roof is starting to leak, we have no money for a headstone for my mom, realized our living room tv has died, and learned that when probate court puts my name as head of my mom's "estate" that I will be financially responsible for the property taxes and any bills that have to be settled. Oh, and I might be losing my health insurance at the end of March. So there's all that. Then there's my stuff. Stuff like dealing with my mom's death. Like how I feel like I personally killed her. I feel like if I had tried at all, my dad and Pearl would have let the doctor's try surgery. The docs all said it was a very small chance of helping, but we never gave it to them. We took her off the meds keeping her alive and let her die. I failed her. I gave up on her. It's my fault. She always told me I was the only reason she was alive, and I killed her. And then I sat at her bedside and cried while watching her fingers turn blue. Every time I watch Frozen,and Anna's fingers start to turn to ice, I have a small mental panic attack. When I fall asleep at night, I see my hand holding my mom's blue fingers. And then she talks to me. I have nightmares almost every night now. She tells me I let her down. That I've had years of warning, and still wasn't prepared for it. She tells me I let them kill her. That it's my fault. She says if we'd just waited a day, one single day, she would have been okay. Not perfect, but alive and okay. Now she's in the ground and she's rotting and it's my fault. I sincerely feel like I'm losing my hold on whatever it is that's kept me sane this long. I'm gonna lose it, and I'll be useless. I'll fall all the way apart, and never be me again. I hate having all this responsibility. My dad isn't in any sort of shape to help himself, let alone take care of me. My sister doesn't even talk to me, unless it's to ask me to watch her kids. I am drowning in misery, and I'm too scared to reach out for any kind of help. My words are never right. I don't know how to ask for help. I can't find the shore.
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I hate that you are beating yourself senseless over everything. What you are facing now, noone should have to go through alone. noone. i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. My mother had to go thru a lot when my dad died. I know she has all the answers that you seek- and i am more than happy to act as a bridge between her answers and your questions. what to do- how to do it. .. as well as how to deal with emotions that are out of control, and manipulating the one moment of your life where you deserve the most peace and rest and happiness... your dreams. it is NOT your fault she died. i know you feel like it is, and nothing i can say would convince you otherwise- because, "a man convinced against his will- is of his own opinion still." ... but, i hope you believe me when i tell you- she loved you. she would have given anything for you. and she would never, never in a million years blame you for her death- even if you held a knife deep in her chest. .. she would continue to love you unconditionally. truly. deeply. ...she is your mother forever. she will love you even longer. she wouldnt want you to feel the way you do. noone wants you to feel the way you do. i wish there was something i could do to take all your troubles and pain away, and make everything right. .. take on one thing at a time. i have helped with roofing before, and i could do it again. all you would need are the supplies and materials. i am here to help- all you need to do is ask. (im a LOT tougher than i look-) and for things i cannot do- i have people that i know that will help!! need an electrician? got one. need a welder? got one. need a mechanic? got one. need someone to bake cupcakes with? what flavour do you want? need a shoulder to cry on? ill bring the tissues. need someone to bathe your puppy? ill get my bathing suit on. need someone to distract you? ive got fun games and movies! need someone to mow your lawn? when would you like me there? need a bed to crash in for a night? ill come get you in an hour!...... you are not in this alone. we love you. we are here for you. (the only time i cant is the days i work!) lean on us. lean on your friends. all you have to do is ask- it doesnt matter if the words arent right,, the only word that you will need is "please". let someone help you for a change. you deserve it. you deserve to be happy.
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