I don't know

how to do this. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm confused. I'm a mess. Our house is a mess. Our finances are a mess. I don't know what to do. If I get a job, my dad will have to be alone while I'm gone. That's probably not good for him, with all his issues lately. But if I don't get a job, our bills are always gonna be past due, and we will never have any food. I called my sister a couple weeks ago. Crying, freaking out, begging her to help me. She told me no, she has her own family and a job, basically yelled at me and said I was on my own. I have so many siblings, but absolutely no help and no support from them. I am on my own. My friends want to help, but it's not their job to save me or my dad. I'm always lonely. Not just for companionship. My friends can and do help with that. It's deeper. I feel like a piece of me is gone, and I miss it. I know part of that is grief for my mom, but part of it isn't. It's a grief for my old life. For safety. I never feel safe and secure anymore. I'm always waiting for something horrible to happen. And horrible things just keep happening. I'm terrified. I don't want to be, I just am. I try to relax, but it's like my body has forgotten how to do that. I hurt all the time. I'm scared all the time. I go back and forth from no sleep to too much sleep. It just sucks, and I want this to be over.