Seriously, I love Influenster. They sent me some free Vaseline Intensive Care lotion, and it's one of my new favorite things. Utah winters suck for your skin. You dry out and crack and chap and it's just not cute or comfortable. This lotion makes it a lot better. I use it everyday, all over. Even on my face, which has dry skin year round. This is the only thing I've found (facial moisturizer or normal lotion) that makes my flaky chin and oily nose happy at the same time. I adore it. I just thought you should know. 😁

I don't know

how to do this. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm confused. I'm a mess. Our house is a mess. Our finances are a mess. I don't know what to do. If I get a job, my dad will have to be alone while I'm gone. That's probably not good for him, with all his issues lately. But if I don't get a job, our bills are always gonna be past due, and we will never have any food. I called my sister a couple weeks ago. Crying, freaking out, begging her to help me. She told me no, she has her own family and a job, basically yelled at me and said I was on my own. I have so many siblings, but absolutely no help and no support from them. I am on my own. My friends want to help, but it's not their job to save me or my dad. I'm always lonely. Not just for companionship. My friends can and do help with that. It's deeper. I feel like a piece of me is gone, and I miss it. I know part of that is grief for my mom, but part of it isn't. It's a grief for my old life. For safety. I never feel safe and secure anymore. I'm always waiting for something horrible to happen. And horrible things just keep happening. I'm terrified. I don't want to be, I just am. I try to relax, but it's like my body has forgotten how to do that. I hurt all the time. I'm scared all the time. I go back and forth from no sleep to too much sleep. It just sucks, and I want this to be over.

If my dad dies tomorrow, I'm gonna be seriously pissed off.

Trigger Warning- depression and ptsd

So, I don't know that anyone really reads this, but that's probably good in this case. I've been trying to write in my journal more, but it's not working. I thought I'd try here. I lost my mom about 3 months ago. Since then, I've had back surgery, been put in charge of my dad's finances, still have to go through probate court (which costs $360 dollars just to file), been told that our roof is starting to leak, we have no money for a headstone for my mom, realized our living room tv has died, and learned that when probate court puts my name as head of my mom's "estate" that I will be financially responsible for the property taxes and any bills that have to be settled. Oh, and I might be losing my health insurance at the end of March. So there's all that. Then there's my stuff. Stuff like dealing with my mom's death. Like how I feel like I personally killed her. I feel like if I had tried at all, my dad and Pearl would have let the doctor's try surgery. The docs all said it was a very small chance of helping, but we never gave it to them. We took her off the meds keeping her alive and let her die. I failed her. I gave up on her. It's my fault. She always told me I was the only reason she was alive, and I killed her. And then I sat at her bedside and cried while watching her fingers turn blue. Every time I watch Frozen,and Anna's fingers start to turn to ice, I have a small mental panic attack. When I fall asleep at night, I see my hand holding my mom's blue fingers. And then she talks to me. I have nightmares almost every night now. She tells me I let her down. That I've had years of warning, and still wasn't prepared for it. She tells me I let them kill her. That it's my fault. She says if we'd just waited a day, one single day, she would have been okay. Not perfect, but alive and okay. Now she's in the ground and she's rotting and it's my fault. I sincerely feel like I'm losing my hold on whatever it is that's kept me sane this long. I'm gonna lose it, and I'll be useless. I'll fall all the way apart, and never be me again. I hate having all this responsibility. My dad isn't in any sort of shape to help himself, let alone take care of me. My sister doesn't even talk to me, unless it's to ask me to watch her kids. I am drowning in misery, and I'm too scared to reach out for any kind of help. My words are never right. I don't know how to ask for help. I can't find the shore.

Influenster Voxbox Number 2: Sugar and Spice!

So, I got my second Voxbox from Influenster a while back, but I've been so busy wrapping up tax season that I didn't have much time to blog about it. So now that things have settled down, I'm gonna start actually testing things properly and wrting my reviews! Yay! So, here's a quick run down of what was included in my Sugar and Spice Voxbox. Vaseline Spray and Go Moisturizer- Total Moisture So far, this is one of two things I use most of out my voxbox. I absolutely love this stuff. I saw a commercial for it about a week before I got my voxbox, and wanted to buy some. I was super excited to hear I would be getting some. I'll dedicate a blog post to this awesome spray lotion later. Nectresse Natural No Calorie Sweetener My mom has been using this mostly, cuz she's the diabetic. Also, I don't really make things where I need this kind of stuff. My mom absolutely loves it though. I think it might be her new favorite artificial sweetener. It's made by Splenda, so you know it's gonna be pretty good. Dickinson's Original Witch Hazel Oil Controlling Towelettes Seriously, I am in love with these. I won't go into all their uses right now, I want to dedicate a post just to these little packets of joy. I will say that I never leave home without at least one in my purse. So very awesome. Colgate Optic White Regimen I got 3 different things to try from Colgate: Toothpaste, mouthwash, and a toothbrush. It says that if you use them for 5 days, you'll have whiter teeth. I have yet to try them, but I'm going to start soon. If it works out, I'm sure you'll be hearing more about it. My teeth could use a little whitening. belVita Breakfast Biscuits I got the brown sugar and cinnamon flavor of these little bars. The flavor wasn't one of my favorite things, but I didn't mind it as much as I thought it would. And they really did give me lots of energy, and kept me from feeling hungry all day at work. I actually wanna buy some in a different flavor just so that I can have them on hand. I'll let you know what that happens, and if I like the other flavors better. So that's my wrap up for now. I'll hopefully have more time on my hands soon, so I can get all these posts written for you. I seriously love Influenster. My bestie Mackenzi signed up for it too, and she's getting her first Voxbox soon! If she starts a blog for reviews, I'll make sure to link to anything she does so you can read up on her experiences too. That's all for tonight! Stacey (And of course, the fine print.) I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

Sugar and Spice Voxbox!

So, I got my second voxbox from Influenster yesterday! It was like an early birthday present, as today I am 30. That is not super exciting. I was excited about the voxbox, though. I love getting things for free! I will probably be posting about all the awesome stuff I got over the next week or two. I was gonna start today, but I'm leaving for VEGAS!!! in like 5 hours. So I will most likely start on Monday or so. Betcha can't wait! I've already tried some of the products, and I like one and love the other. You're gonna have to wait to hear more about it though! Wish me luck in VEGAS!!! Here's hoping I win a million or two.

Kiss Nail Dress review

Okay, so tonight I'm gonna let you in on my experience using the Kiss Nail Dress that I got (for free!) in my Holiday 2012 VoxBox from Influenster. When I opened my VoxBox, I saw these and thought "Dude, I was just thinking I needed to get some more of these nail thingies, and here they are!" They're a different brand from what I usually use, but I was excited to try these cuz they're a little cheaper, and cheaper is better. I got ones in the style named Teddy, which are black with little gold dots in swirly designs. (See picture above.) Honestly, I only have a couple bad things to say about the product. 1-In the flyer that comes with the nail stickers, they spell "your" wrong. It says "Your not dressed til your Nail Dressed!". As a bit of a spelling fread, I'd like to point out that it should say "You're not dressed until you're Nail Dressed!" So really, that's not a bad thing about the product, just something that my OCD brain noticed. 2-They're thicker than the other brand I have tried, which caused a slight wrinkle on the sides of all my nails. I think if you look close at the picture of my nails above, you might be able to spot what I'm talking about. 3-They're a tad harder to put on than others I've tried, due to the fact that they're thicker and therefore harder to file off the excess. I've found it's much easier to cut off as much of the left over sticker as possible with scissors, trim the ends with nail clippers, then file down the edges. But honestly, they're so cute when they're on that I don't even care that it takes me an extra 5 minutes to put them on. There's a lot of good things about them, so I won't number all that, I'll just write it. They really are not difficult to put on, and the great thing is that while easy to take off, they don't just peel off randomly. The other brand I've tried is so hard to get off it's ridiculous. The other brand starts to chip after day 2, and takes hours to get off. The Kiss Nail Dress come off in second, and don't leave my nails looking like they've been sandpapered. They don't chip at all, and stay on really well. I had to replace a couple of them after day 3, but that was my own fault. I am a nail biter, and while I don't bite them when they have decorations on them, I tend to suck on the edges of them instead. I basically peeled a couple off with my mouth, lol. So as long as you don't weirdly suck on your fingers, you won't have a problem with these. I got lots of compliments on them, too. Even the ticket taker at the movie theater thought they were pretty. Also, I like the way they feel. The little dots are embossed, so they're textured. I just thought they felt cool. Oh, one more weird thing I noticed. They smell a bit like rubber when you first put them on, but that fades away within just a few hours. So that's my experience. I will definately be buying more of these for work. I find that when you do taxes for people, they look at your hands a lot while you're typing. I like to give them something pretty to focus on. And when doing taxes for women, it gives me things to talk to them about. They almost always will ask what brand they are, and if I like them. So I'm excited to spread the word that Kiss Nail Dress really work, last about a week, and are easy to apply. I'm going to have to buy a few sets when I get paid, and wear a different design every week. :) Also, if any of you have questions on Influenster, let me know and I will fill you in. I have a few invites left, so I'm more than willing to share the awesome love.<3 For more info on Kiss Nail Dress, go to these links: The Kiss website: http://bit.ly/SipR5S The Kiss Nail Dress review page on Influenster: http://bit.ly/11cEdY7